Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
