I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I love you. Go after that dick
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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