Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
