So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He felt like a one man threesome
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
