this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
