So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
