can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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