i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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