So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
