They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
