I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
