I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
