So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
