HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
