I faked an abortion last night.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
