SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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