You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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