can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
