im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Randomize
