I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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