I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
