You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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