so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
