so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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