Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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