Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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