I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
