i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
