In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
