It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
