You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
