And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Drunk is not a location!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
