Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
