Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Farmville is her only friend.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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