you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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