so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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