I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
