i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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