I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
