I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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