i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
PANTIES FOUND
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