matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
