after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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