someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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