Are we in a gay sports bar?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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