If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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