I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
