Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
