My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
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