If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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