You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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