there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
where does the pee come out of this thing
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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