Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
