i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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