The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
