listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my shit smells like andre
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
