K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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