Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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