why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
