I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my sisters under your porch take her home
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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