There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I could fuck to npr.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
